Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
How's work?
Spinning.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
