I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
