he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
