i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
