I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
