$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
