I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Randomize
