Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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