so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
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It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
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Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.