it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??