That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like