Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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