You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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