Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
