Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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