Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
