Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
