please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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