What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
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#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
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He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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