everyone is single if you try hard enough
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
