My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
