i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
