I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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