My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
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