I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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