I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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