OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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