my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
