i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
