Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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