I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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