Pants 0. Shit 1.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
