Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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