I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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