yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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