I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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