i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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