Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
