Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
