Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
