I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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