I have demons in me.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
