i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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