You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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