So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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