Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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