A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize