It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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