I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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