I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
