Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
