Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
