I bet he comes in French.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
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No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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