He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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