i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
