I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
