Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
