I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
cat food counts as protein by the way
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
