if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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