Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
