Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
