plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
