Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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