Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
