I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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