i don't like sucking hair
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
