my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
